How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is the high leading the old right now
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
