my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
