Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
