Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
