The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
