I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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