if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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