she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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