im drinking this country out of the recession.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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