you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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