Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just googled if crying burns calories
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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