I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
