I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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