my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
