My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
