just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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