i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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