everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize