Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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