See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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