Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
