apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
