btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
