get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
