You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
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dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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