I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
