i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
