If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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