im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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