there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
