apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
