i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
