i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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