On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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