Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
