so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
