My hand turned me down
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
