How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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