I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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