dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
