Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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