You really coming over, don't trick.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
