I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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