I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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