Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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