K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
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