You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
