is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
