if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
