I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
