so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
