hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
