i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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