Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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