I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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