my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
