my phone needs a breathalizer
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
