How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
