apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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