The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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