I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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