Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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