I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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