i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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