you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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